JAWS: Cuttlefish

Video: Alan McLennan

It happens to us all, doesn't it?

You've been eyeing that gigantic package under the Christmas tree for days, wondering what it might be and whether the biohazard warnings on the gift wrapping are decorative or not.

Finally the day comes. You tear the wrapping paper to shreds. You climb a step ladder and carefully ease open the cardboard box within, just in case your mysterious present turns out to be something rubbish like a giant teddy bear you'll have to pack up and sell.

But it's not a teddy bear. You gaze in wonder and your gaping mouth slowly assumes a smile as you begin to believe your eyes. Glory of glories. Can it really be?

A build-your-own secret, supervillain lair?

You look in amazement at the parts. The dungeons, deathtraps, vanity throne, wine bar with significantly more skulls and cages than strictly necessary... There are even signed contracts with catering and cleaning firms and one with a man called Caedis Khan who promises 3,000 live-in mercenaries from the NEX clan. You need only phone him up when their beds are ready.

You wipe the drool from your mouth, pick up a mighty wrench and wonder where to start. You don't bother looking at the instructions because people who look at instructions don't have supervillain lairs.

You were so excited. Your eyes were filled with death-rays and big, red death-buttons that glow in the dark. Your mind was filled with acts of super-villainy and an outrageous costume that was clearly evil but also glowed in the dark.

So you didn't stand a chance when a pair of tentacles shot out of the Christmas tree, grabbed hold of you and pulled you into its darkness. You didn't even have time to be surprised.

Such a shame. With a little more time, once you finished your secret, supervillain lair, that Christmas tree could have made for a great minion.