Merry Christmas!

Life is tough in the deep sea. Even Santa has to economise. There's not enough food to keep reindeer well fed, let alone towels to keep their fur dry. Sleighs have a habit of shattering under the pressure and poor old Santa has a tough time retaining his jolly, rotund figure.

And so, here's Santa the Whip-lash Squid dragging a sack of gifts in his own tentacle. Look closely and you can see a toy Alvin submersible and a whole lot of tuna. Thank goodness they don't ask for much, these denizens of the deep!

Video: Visual Art and Production

Mery Christmas everyone!

Iridescent Bark Mantis

Image: Frupus
Metallyticus splendidus

Iridescent Bark Mantis?

Or a cockroach dressed up for disco night?

Liguus Tree Snail

Image: Rafy Rodriguez
Liguus virgineus

You don't have to take a dip in the ocean to be wowed by a beautiful gastropod.

Some of them are right there in the trees!

Social Feather Duster Worm

Image: Nick Hobgood
Bispira brunnea

It's the cluster duster!

In my experience, feather dusters are often gregarious—I usually find them in packs of three or four, sometimes six—but the Social Feather Duster Worm puts those numbers to shame!

Thereuopoda

Image: Bernard DUPONT

I hope you like legs...

Cold Sea Balloon... OF DEATH!

It's a drawstring bag of death! It's a bin liner of doom!

No, it's... er...

Cloak of the Vampire Squid

All other vampires are jealous of the Vampire Squid's beautiful, silky cloak.

Namib Web-footed Gecko

Image: Matthias Neuhaus
Pachydactylus rangei

The Namib Web-footed Gecko is an adorable little lizard that isn't... all there.

A Sponge is Never Alone

Image: NOAA Office of Ocean Exploration and Research, 2015 Hohonu Moana

After that weird forest of sponges, I thought it would be nice to see the other side of the story.

That's right, soul-crushing loneliness! Like if you looked into the abyss and it didn't just look back, it grabbed you by the ankle, pulled you into itself and said, "Make yourself at home. If you can."

Squat Urchin Shrimp

Image: Kevin Bryant
Gnathophylloides mineri

In the forest of spines, the teeny-tiny shrimp is king.

Penis Worm

Image: University of Bristol

OK. Roll up your sleeves, put on your surgical gloves, prepare the censor bars. It's time for the Penis Worm.

No sniggering at the back!

Granulated Starfish

Image: Samuel Chow
Choriaster granulatus

Get stuffed, teddy bear! Stay down, plushy dog! Off you hop, bunny wabbit!

There's a new soft toy in town. And he's all arms.

Bunny Harvestman

Image: Andreas Kay
Metagryne bicolumnata

Don't worry, it's not a harvester of bunnies!

It's an adorable Harvestman with bunny ears!

Seventh Seal of the Hallowe'en Horrors

It's Halloween! That time of year when we eat humble pie with death, eat a whole bottle of bitter pills with darkness and eat lead with evil. Woo!

Don't Smell the Roses

Remember how hard-working, deep sea sponges look like satellite dishes and mouths-on-sticks?

It's important to note that that's just part of the story. Another part of the story involves the flowers... OF DEATH.

Forest of the Weird

Well, if you call it a Forest of the Weird you know my interest will be piqued. I love a weird forest. Whether it's a mushroom forest, a flesh-eating forest or a forest where all the trees wake up at night to dance in the moonlight, I'm all about weird forests.

So how about a nice underwater sponge forest? Yes, please!

Veils From the Crypt

Video: Monterey Bay Aquarium Research Institute (MBARI)

Cryptic monsters... undercover horrors... sleeper creepers... From the monsters under the bed to the ghosts in the attic, the vampire on the board of directors to the werewolf in the historical reenactment society, there's no getting away from them. Is your paperboy a ghoul? Is your sister-in-law a zombie? Are you absolutely sure you're not a fish-person?

March of the Firesocks

Firesocks! Sea Pickles! More to the point, Pyrosomes!

And a LOT of them.

Divided Flatworm

Image: Zack
Pseudoceros dimidiatus

Is the Divided Flatworm really divided?

It's certainly indecisive...

Bubble Gum Oasis

It's a Bubble Gum Coral!

Isn't it beautiful? Sort of? Underneath it all, maybe?

Sandgroper

Think grasshopper. Grass. Hopper.

Surely, anything called a Sandgroper is the complete opposite of anything that hops about in the grass? Just look at this thing! It looks like a termite mixed with a beetle grub! And if you find yourself thinking that it looks like a Mole Cricket with all the edges rubbed off, then you're not alone. A lot of people used to think that, they just turned out to be wrong, is all.

Iguana

Image: Artur Pedziwilk
Iguana iguana

There are Marine Iguanas, Desert Iguanas, Land Iguanas and Rock Iguanas, but if anything can be called, quite simply, The Iguana, then this is it.

Tube-building Amphipod

Hmmmm...

Looks like someone's got a leaky head. There're nightmares all over the place.

Horror At Arms

Uh oh. Do you have a couch handy to hide behind? A teddy bear to cuddle? One of those Men In Black flashy things that make you forget everything you've just seen?

You might want one or two of these.

I Wrote A Science Fiction Novel!

Can you believe that? I can't. And I watched myself write it.

It's called A Twinkle on Mars and it's about the first manned mission to Mars and how it all goes wrong. Aliens are involved, and giant glowing mushrooms. You've GOT to have giant glowing mushrooms.

It features Captain Cambridge, possibly the most heroic figure in the entirety of his own mind. Professor Prestwold, a delightful chap who doesn't know a life-threatening situation when it tries to bite his head off. Mr Blunderberry, a very large and very angry man. And Dr Khatagi. Not much is known about him but he's probably an assassin or something.

As you can probably imagine, this is not one of those hard sci-fi things where the author can (and sometimes does) write an essay about how every bit of technology depicted is totally possible given the current state of scientific knowledge.

It is, of course, a comedy. And a funny one, I reckon. Some people polish their every sentence to a poetic shine, I tried to make 'em all funny.

I've been working on it for a while but what really helped was when I started reading Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels for the first time a little over a year ago. They were the first books I ever read where I thought not only this is really good, but also I could probably do something a bit like this. And so I... did? Tried to but failed?

If you'd like to be the judge of that then head on to Amazon and give it a read. You might even consider reporting your findings in the form of a review, I hear they help.

Twospot Turkeyfish

Image: Maupin Delphine
Dendrochirus biocellatus

It's a fish! It has two spots! And... turkey. Turkey is involved.

Makes perfect sense.

Snot Living

Look at that beautiful house!

If you find yourself saying, "'s'not a house," then you're close. It's a snot house.

Lamb's Ear

Image: Jean-Pol GRANDMONT
Stachys byzantina

Did you ever hear of the mythical sheep-eating plant?

Well, it turns out there's one plant that's only in it for the ears...

Fire Urchin

Image: Candace Pratt
Asthenosoma varium

The sea! The sea! The sea is on fire!

We don't need no water 'cos it evidently doesn't have the normally expected effect!

Eyelashes Onna Stick

Image: NOAA Photo Library
Actinoscyphia sp.

The Venus Flytrap Anemone is 100% pure eyelashes!

Mole Cricket

Image: Mark Yokoyama

You know how you shouldn't make a mountain out of a molehill?

Well, this might be your best opportunity to make a bonsai mountain that's even smaller than the average molehill! Just don't make a big mountain out of your little mountain.

Tangled Tubeworm

Image: John Turnbull
Filograna implexa

Worms. Lots and lots of worms. Uncountable hundreds and thousands of worms all hanging out together in a home of their own making.

What would that look like?

Chiroteuthis

Image: NOAA

Chiroteuthis is MOSTLY tentacles. Glad to see they've got their priorities in order!

Knitting Shrimp

Image: Moorea Biocode

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just settling down for some knitting?

Big World

It's a very big world...

Video: Peter Kuttner

For a very small pillow.

This tiny (or normal) version of the Giant Red Velvet Mite is just 3 mm long!

Black Long-spined Sea Urchin

Image: Patrick Randall

It's the water hedgehog...

OF DOOM!

Unidentified Floating Object 2.0

Wow! Such light, such colour, such glorious delicate tentacles...

Video: oceanexplorergov

The space aliens really need to up their game if they don't want to be outdone by the UFOs of the sea!

Satanic Devil Fish

I don't know what this actual demon from Hell thinks he's playing at...

Video: oceanexplorergov

But he's fooling no-one.

Doto varaderoensis

Image: Linda Ianniello

I'm sure this sea slug is meant to avoid predators by using camouflage...

But I can't help but think that it avoids predators by looking contagious.

Fingered Dragonet

Image: Nick Hobgood

Tiny dragons can do a lot with a finger or two!

Roughty-tufty Legs

Image: Aleksey Gnilenkov

Exoskeletons are pretty great; it's one of my favourite things about insects. Who can say no to your own custom-made suit of armour, precisely moulded to every contour of your body and available in a wide range of exciting colours to suit every taste?

Chinese Lantern

Image: Isfugl

The Chinese Lantern is a hardy perennial that will provide you with all the natural, biodegradable paper lanterns you could ever want!

Strawberry Squid

Histioteuthis heteropsis

You've seen werewolves versus vampires. You've marvelled at Alien versus Predator. You've wondered what on earth is going on at zombies versus Jane Austen. Now it's time to quake in your boots at the thought of...

Terminator versus Cthulhu!

Poltys

Image: Bernard DUPONT

It's a leaf.

A perfectly honest, perfectly innocent leaf, shivering in the wind.

Fish-scale Gecko

Image: Arthur Anker

Look at those scales! It's not a mere suit of armour, it's a suit of shields!

Warty Sea Star

Image: Ratha Grimes
Echinaster callosus

Oh, no! There's been a terrible accident in the biological waste bin.
The warts are alive. Repeat: the warts are alive!

Deep Sea Dragonfish

Image: Fran Martín de la Sierra

My name is Deep Sea Dragonfish, eater of worlds.

Look on my face, ye Mighty, and despair!

Snowplant

Image: David Iliff
Sarcodes sanguinea

In the months of spring, mysterious spikes of bloody flesh point to the sky.

Red-spotted Horseshoe

Image: Alfiero Brisotto
Protula tubularia

Surely, it's a peacock?

Australian Hornet

Image: James Niland
Abispa ephippium

I get that wasps use bright colours to warn predators of their painful sting. It's a great way to ward off attacks without having to physically do anything, and everyone loves not having to physically do anything...

But surely this is just showing off?

Shovel-nosed Salamander

Image: Todd Pierson
Desmognathus marmoratus

Hmmm...

I think I would call it the People-eyed Salamander.